Letters
by Dew on the Grass
Summary: Holly is annoyed with Mulch... Again. Luckily, she has a boy genius friend. Whether or not he'll help is another matter...
1. Chapter 1

**I should probably warn you, serious insanity ahead. Read at your own risk.**

* * *

Artemis frowned at the letter in front of him. It read:

 _Dear Artemis,_

 _I don't suppose you can suggest a way to annoy Mulch? He's being stupid again, and I want to GET. HIM. BACK._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Holly_

No, he _wouldn't_ do it. Holly couldn't make him. It was childish.

 _Still, though…_

The boy genius sighed. Oh well. He was bored, anyway. This would help pass the time.

Artemis began to write…

 _Dear Holly,_

 _Here is what I suggest: Lock him in a prison cell – make sure it has a built-in loudspeaker – and I will lecture him on a boring subject. Geometry, perhaps? I have always found the class sleep-inducing._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Artemis_

* * *

 **Well, what do you think? It wasn't boring, I hope? I** _ **might**_ **decide to continue this.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Again, this is a humor story. Expect what you expect for humor stories. Special thanks to Guest, shouldercookie, and BlueRaspberryJollyRancher for reviewing!**

* * *

"YES!"Holly shouted, punching the air. Unfortunately, her cry of triumph was a little too loud.

"What is it, Holly?"Foaly asked, internally snickering at what he was about to say. "Did you get a love letter from the Mud Boy?

Holly's face turned beet red. _She has more in common with the commander than she thinks_ , Foaly thought. Not that he would mention the thought to Holly. He'd probably find all his delicious carrot juice seared by Neutrino shots. That wouldn't do at all. No, that would be horrible.

"What did you just say?"Holly growled, her hand straying to her Neutrino.

Foaly backed away slowly. "Um, nothing. You just do whatever you Recon jocks do. No need to get violent here."

" _Thank you_. Now, do we have any prison cells with built-in loudspeakers?"

Foaly whinnied. He hadn't been expecting Holly to ask that.

"Actually, we do. It's one of my pet inventions. Sort of like a comm. system. Throw the prisoner in the cell and force him to listen to a lecture on why and how what he did was wrong. Sool rejected the idea. Called it 'cruel and unusual". Cruel and unusual, my face! There's nothing wrong with it."

Holly hurriedly interrupted before the centaur could go on into a biting lecture about how Sool had been stubborn as an old bat when he made the decision to reject the cell.

"Yeah, well, can we keep Mulch in there for a little while? Just for an hour or so. Nothing serious."

Foaly raised an eyebrow. "Ah. Artemis's idea?"

"Yep."

* * *

 **Yes, chapters will still be short. Like under 500 words short.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm back! So, unfortunately I am too busy to update on the weekends (look at me, what a procrastinator!), so expect updates on weekdays only. Sorry! Anyway, on with the story!**

* * *

Artemis's phone rang, and at a very inappropriate time at that. He was, after all, at school. Nevertheless, Artemis was grateful for the distraction. He accepted the call.

A whinny followed by several neighs came over, and then Foaly's voice came through.

"Hey Artemis, it's Foaly, the centaur who's smarter than you."

Artemis knew he was being goaded, but he sighed with exasperation anyway.

"Yes, Foaly? This had better be important."

 _Whinny_. Then:

"Your girlfriend has Mulch in a cell with a loudspeaker, and she's threatening to sear my carrot juice if you're not here soon, so hurry up and get your sorry self over here."

"You know, you're starting to sound like Root", Artemis snickered, a little too loudly.

"BOY! GET OUT OF HERE; I DON'T NEED YOU DISRUPTING THE CLASS ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE!"his teacher yelled.

Artemis sighed. Sometimes he wished he hadn't scared his old teacher off. Oh well. He got up and walked out of the classroom.

* * *

A fairy shuttle was waiting for him outside Fowl Manor, Holly peeking outside.

" _COME IN BEFORE SOMEONE SEES US, YOU IGNORANT MUD BOY!"_ she hissed. Artemis complied. Better to get in voluntarily and let the insult pass than get shot by Holly's Neutrino and be unconscious the whole way.

A few minutes into the ride, Artemis deeply regretted not having Holly knock him out prior to the flight.

* * *

 **Well? How was the chapter? Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, here's the next chapter; I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

"Can't you slow down a bit?"Artemis groaned, his face green.

Holly grinned. She was enjoying this. "Nope, Mud Boy. You came up with an idea that requires me to take you underground."

"ARGH! Can't Foaly come up with something I can access from the manor?"

"Shut up before I shoot you. I'm trying to pilot a ship here, and you aren't helping one bit."

Artemis tried to think up of something he could say to make Holly shoot him. Nothing came to mind. Then:

"Ah, my noble lady. How does the morning find you?"

"ARTEMIS, SHUT UP!"

"How do I love thee? Let's see, I love thee passionately, eternally - obviously eternally -, and with my whole heart."

Holly shot him.

* * *

Artemis woke up in the LEP Headquarters, Foaly's office. He smiled, showing his perfectly white teeth.

"Did Holly tell you about the incident on the shuttle?"he inquired.

"Yes. What was wrong with you? I thought you were completely cured of Atlantis."

Artemis winced. "I apologize. It was necessary to get Holly to knock me out. I was not enjoying the ride one bit."

"I see..."

"There is no need to back away, Foaly. I am completely healthy, as you well know."

Foaly wanted to snicker at what he was about to say, but he didn't. Laughing now would ruin the joke.

"I see." Then, in an ominous whisper: "May the fours be with you."

Artemis's face turned as red as his boxers had been when Number One had sent him and Holly back through time.

* * *

 **Review? I hope you enjoyed the story. It's getting close to the climax, but first I need to ask BlueRasperryJollyRancher something...**


	5. Chapter 5

**And, my friends, here comes the climax. And the end. In one chapter. Enjoy. Especially you, BlueRaspberry. Thanks for letting me use you!**

* * *

"WHAT? But I was completely exonerated!"

Holly sighed, shoving Mulch into the cell. "It's only for an hour. Besides, the charges were dropped. You were not exonerated. They're different things."

Mulch pouted in a childish fashion. "This had better be short. Or I'm going to have to call my lawyer."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? NO ONE CALLS A LAWYER ON ME!" a girl swooped into the room.

Everyone went O_O.

"UGH, _WHY IS EVERYONE STARING?_ DOESN'T _ANYONE_ KNOW THAT IT'S RUDE?"

Foaly cleared his throat. "How did that Mud Girl get down here? This thing is supposed to be undetectable."

"EXCUSE ME, WHO DID YOU JUST CALL A _MUD_ GIRL? I am _not_ muddy, thank you very much... you donkey."

Something green came flying at Foaly. The _something_ hit Foaly squarely in the forehead. The girl smirked.

"Now do you understand the power of jolly ranchers?"

Artemis recognized the name. "Jolly Ranchers? Who would waste perfectly good candy to throw at certain annoying donkeys?"

"CANDY? I claim it!" Mulch leaped forward, unhinged his jaw, and scooped up the candy and a large portion of the floor. Holly screamed and shot the dwarf. Mulch was left with a smoking behind.

The girl screamed, too, and picked up a large dish of bitter melon. Of course, the silly people of Haven did not yet know what bitter melon could do, and didn't leap out of the way. Artemis knew what the vegetable was, but he did not have the reflexes to escape as the mysteriously mysterious girl smashed the bitter melon in the group's faces, one by one. Everyone eventually fainted, for they had not yet gotten used to the taste of bitter melon.

Dew on the Grass, who was sitting in front of her computer, typing, screamed at the sudden appearance of an unknown girl. She jumped into the story.

"AAAAAUUUUUTTHHOOORRRESSSSSSSSSS TOOOO THE REEEESCUUUEE!" she screeched as she jumped forward to fight the girl with a handful of chocolate bars. But BlueRaspberryJollyRancher smashed the remains of the bitter melon in Dew on the Grass's face. The authoress fainted. BlueRaspberryJollyRancher grinned evilly, and poofed back to her house.

* * *

 **So yeah, you can blame BlueRaspberryJollyRancher for the me fainting part. She wouldn't stop throwing virtual jolly ranchers at me in PM's until I let her win the battle. Hope you enjoyed the story!**


End file.
